Whether you're sitting in front of your rickety old air conditioner, slapping gratuitous amounts of sun screen all over your sweaty face or having a property line war with your pesky neighbors while mowing grass, you've probably gathered by now that summer is here. While for kids this usually means a three month span of boundless freedom (minus a pandemic), for us adults it typically means doing everything we normally do with an abnormal amount of ass sweat... and also hornets... fuck hornets. Anyways, in an effort to brighten everyone's season, without the threat of sunburns, I welcome you to the 2020 Summer Survival Guide. Hopefully, these few paragraphs will inspire you, even as a totally normal boring adult, and show you that, regardless of the demands of everyday adult life, we can still enjoy the simple things that come with summer.

STOCK UP ON COLD GOODIES!

A freezer full of different colored sugar water is a happy freezer. Even if you scar your face up worse than the Joker from the Dark Knight trying to bite them all open instead of using scissors, the temporary brain freeze should help at least a little to cool you down while you're doing yard work or frantically throwing rocks at hornets nests (I'm dead serious about those hornets, fuck ‘em!). You could go a step further and make your own popsicles and fill them with practically anything you wish to. You can find popsicle trays pretty cheap at your nearest Goodwill, or just buy them brand new.

If frozen sugar water isn’t your thing, stock the fridge full with stuff like 99 cent Arizona cans, Hi-C juice boxes, Capri Sun pouches, Kool Aid Jammers and of course those little Hug barrel drinks. Don’t get me wrong, drink water too but a little juice goes a long way. Out on the go? Hit the local Taco Bell and snag the new Pineapple Whip Freeze! They're delicious (trust me, I've had at least a dozen of them in the first week because I have absolutely no control).

BURN, BABY, BURN

I suppose, if you're not in a dumb place that has fire restrictions, you've more than likely had a backyard fire before. It's a great summer pastime hanging out at the end of the night in front of self constructed heat... you know, as if the heat during the day wasn't already enough to make you hate life. Lets be real, you're not really enjoying summer if you're not burning a bunch of shit in your backyard.

Add some s'mores, hot dogs, or some mountain pie fixin's and you have yourself a relatively cheap and enjoyable night. I like to get real funky with my s'mores and swap out the Hershey bar with a Reese's cup. Pure gold. There is nothing quite like an old fashioned pizza mountain pie but I think, at my next backyard endeavor, I'm going to try a mountain pie with either Lotus Cookie Butter or Nutella guts.

DIG THROUGH "JUNK"

Unfortunately, with all this coronavirus mess, it doesn't seem like many flea markets will be happening. The nearest one to me actually canceled the first one in May. Complete bummer.... but, that doesn't mean all hope is lost. The rest of this year's schedule seems to be happening yet so, hopefully, it goes that way for the rest. You could also keep an eye open for those town wide garage sales. It gives you a reason to leave your house for a little while and you get to route through other people's shit. What could be more exciting?

You're not always going to "strike gold" but focus on the hunt; it's the best part in my opinion. You might have awesome luck and find old spooky Halloween records, Super Nintendo games or old action figures. You might also have not so great luck and find haggard Barbie dolls that even Goodwill would have thrown away, and they don’t throw Barbies away no matter how haggard they are.... trust me.

Speaking of which, Goodwills are always an option now that they are open again. If flea markets and goodwill trips aren't your thing, head to your local dollar stores, dollar generals and Walmart’s for an insane amount of cool summer themed junk like these awesome yard flamingos I found for a dollar a piece at dollar tree. I love walking into dollar tree when they roll all the colorful summer bullshit out. And everything is a fucking dollar!

SUMMER SPOOKIES

I like to keep things spooky all year long. I suggest a horror/thriller movie marathon. While titles such as Sleepaway Camp, Friday the 13th, Jaws, Killer Klowns from Outer Space, I Know what you did Last Summer and Summer of 84 would be fitting with the season, I don't like to limit myself from the rest.

Credit to https://www.ripleys.com/weird-news/pineapple-jack-o-lantern/

Make it interesting this year and produce a small home theater with a cheap projector. Add a little popcorn, a few snacks, load up the cooler, invite a few guests and throw a small drive through style summer horror fest. Maybe carve a watermelon or a pineapple like a jack-o-lantern for display... Pine-o-lantern?

EXPLORE THE GREAT INDOORS

Maybe I stole this one from some lyrics in a John Mayer song, but for real, you'll eventually run into a day where it's either way too hot or it's raining you out. These are good days for staying indoors. Order a pizza, play some video games or some board games, throw in a movie, sit in front of the air conditioner, eat a pint of Ben and Jerrys, make a sweet blanket fort in your living room or even pop up a small tent.

If a living room tent and pizza isn't the most appropriate setting for late night flashlight comic book reading then I don't know what is. Come to think of it, this is also a perfect pastime for those days with power outages. You could even take out the old dusty photo albums and reminisce over summers past.

GET OUTTA THE HOUSE

I find as I age, I struggle with this quite a bit. I do enjoy a nice bike ride, though. Fresh air can really do a lot of good, as can that extra bit of exercise and sometimes something as simple as washing your car or mowing the grass on a sunny day can make all the difference.

Maybe take a walk to that one park you always use to visit as a kid. Go a step further and take sidewalk chalk with you and create a momentary chalky masterpiece.

If you're feeling lazy, just chill in your yard. Grab a lawn chair and set up in a nice shady spot and veg out and perhaps read a book, listen to some music. Check out the Dem Boys summer 2020 Playlist. You won't be disappointed!

BONUS!

I decided Jonelys wardrobe was in desperate need of updating to fit in the current season. With the help of Dollar Tree and Goodwill, decorating anything at a moments notice is extremely possible. The beachy backdrop, inflatable floatie, leis and goggles came from Dollar Tree. At a dollar a piece, pretty inexpensive for some bullshit that will serve absolutely no useful purpose.

The super soaker, from last years summer memories entry, and the fake Ray Bans are from Goodwill. I can't remember what I spent on them but it couldn't have been more than like $5. The hat doesn't fit me, so it's his now. And VOILA! A little Goosebumps like; unintentional but I'll take it!

CONCLUSION

If you haven't felt inspired at all this far (I know how it is), stay tuned. There will be a few summery articles for your viewing pleasure touching on pretty much all of these subjects in one form or another and we'd love to have you along for the ride! We hope you enjoy what's to come! Thanks for reading!