Five 90's Valentine's Day Cards to Help You Forget You're Forever Alone

As Valentine’s Day approaches yet again, we’re all reminded that love is in the air. It’s a time to cherish that special someone and show them how much they mean to you. Well, that’s what Hallmark wants you to think anyways. Chances are that if you’re browsing It’s DemBoys right now, you’re downing your second bowl of cold Spaghettios and crying to yourself just like poor Ralph here.

But fear not! While we can’t make Janice in accounting choo-choo-choose you (you’re eating cold Spaghettios for christ sake), we can try to distract you just long enough to help you forget the painful loneliness you’ll be experiencing for, well....probably a long time. Anyways, here’s some old Valentine’s Cards from your childhood!

Space Jam Valentines

If anything on this list can is going to help distract you from the fact that you don’t have a date tonight, it’s these bad boys! While we don’t have an exact year, I’d estimate these to have been released in time for Valentine’s Day 1997, making these cards 23 years old at the time of this writing. Oh how time flies when you’re forever alone.

While the art on all of these cards kicks ass, I have to admit that I’m drawn to the Jordan and Purple Guy (?) cards respectively, and not for the reason you’d think. The space they left on these particular cards just makes me laugh - “Valentine Note:” and “From:” It just feels so incredibly formal, it’s what you’d expect if none other than Ron Swanson himself designed one of these things.

Nickelodeon Valentines

Ooooooo, you had me at foil cards and you will ALWAYS have me at foil cards. There’s just something so ~*fancy*~ about foil, it makes these $6 drug store cards feel absolutely luxurious. These cards are from the year 2000, which makes sense considering that they were really heavily relying on the second wave of Nicktoons to sell these things. I mean CatDog wouldn’t be able to sell a goddamn thing these days, but in 2000 it was as good as gold.

The last thing I want to touch on here is actually the side of the box. Remember this guy?

Cousin. Fuckin. Skeeter. I am absolutely LOVING that this little bastard managed to sneak his way on the box. There is literally nothing that screams “millennium” more than having that beautiful puppet tucked away on the side of the box, just chillin’, waiting for somebody to notice him. 

Dexter’s Laboratory Valentines

While these are fun to look at and are certainly a blast from the past, there is really only one reason I’m even bringing these up at all. Just look at this one card:

Ok. What the fuck is that supposed to mean? “Hope Your Valentine’s Day Is Scientific.” I’m really not even sure how to comment on that, so I’m just going to let Lawrence handle this one - 

WCW Valentine’s

Nothing says romance like two or more greased-up middle aged men on steroids trying to pin each other down, and these classic WCW valentines prove it! Admittedly we’re more fans of the WWF here, but any wrestling fan would be happy to get a card with Ric Flair, Brett Hart, or Sting on it… knowing my luck I’d end up with Diamond Dallas Page. Also pretty sure the Goldberg card is just a straight-up threat. The other interesting thing about this pack is that it includes a special card for your teacher, because after romance, the next thing that comes to mind when I think of pro-wrestling is academic courtesy.

One Saturday Morning Valentine’s

Ah, One Saturday Morning, truly the greatest block of programming Disney has ever come up with. Running for a glorious 5 years from ‘97-‘02 I’ll definitely need to do a retrospective at some point. These cards, circa 2000 from the looks of them, are just about perfect. It’s obvious from the designs that Recess was the big moneymaker at the time (it always was), but what really makes me happy is seeing literally anything Pepper Ann related. It always seems to me that this show never gets the love and attention it deserves. This card pack makes me feel happy just looking at it… almost happy enough to forget the crippling loneliness of my empty existence.

Well, I hope this was a fun little trip down memory lane for you. Now, pick yourself up by the bootstraps, throw that empty can of Spaghettios in the recycling and try not to think about how in 364 days, you’ll be doing this all over again!