Disclaimer: My Taste In Movies

Before we begin I should probably point out that it’s been said that there are 2 types of horror fans and… well this meme sums it up pretty well.

I’m the type of person who falls into the latter category, and hey, if you’re the former (although you’re reading a breakdown of the Friday the 13th films so probably not) I’m not judging you, I simply don’t count myself among you and you’ll probably disagree with this list. Bear in mind, it’s not that I can’t appreciate a well done film with an excellent plot, but rather that I am equally capable of enjoying an utter crap-fest as long as it’s entertaining enough. This may explain why some of the choices on this list are as high as they are. I should also mention that despite certain films being low in the rankings, the bottom 3 are really the only films I can’t stand to sit through, so I have the most to say about these and probably the top 3. Starting with the fourth film on the list they’re actually somewhat decent. Anyway let’s get this thing moving.

Last Place: Jason Goes to Hell: The Final Friday (but not really, part 9 of 11)

To this day I don’t know why Jason’s mask is made out of metal here.

To the surprise of nobody, the film that ranks worst of them all is Jason Goes to Hell. To give you an idea of how well this film was planned out: They call it “The Final Friday” in the title, and then the ending sets up a sequel. I remember being a kid too young to watch any of these movies and being utterly fascinated by the Jason character, so seeing the box art for this in the video store always lead me to believe that this was one of the most hardcore horror films of all time… boy was I wrong about that! It probably didn’t help that for my entire early childhood it was the most recent film in the series. This means that it’s version of Jason, which is easily the most badass looking one ever, was the basis for all of the toys and merch I’d see for the series. Imagine my shock when I finally got to watch the film only to discover that Jason is only in about 5 minutes of it. There are even theories floating around that the original script was for a totally different film and that New Line simply threw Jason in there to try to capitalize on their newly acquired character rights. Despite the fact that the producers, writer, and directer all claim otherwise I can totally see why. The film completely alters any pre-standing lore about the character, transforming him from the human/zombie equivalent of the great white shark from Jaws into a body swapping malevolent spirit that can only be killed by a blood relative using a mystical dagger. Also apparently he can transform back into his original state by possessing a blood relative? It all seems a little hairy to me. Even worse, expanding on part 8’s tradition of false advertising in the title (more on that later) NONE of this movie is set in hell, nor do we even get more than the slightest sight of hell other than maybe some flames and demon hands reaching out and such. Even as a fan of bad horror movies, this one is straight up trash. The one kind of cool thing besides the setup for Freddy Vs Jason at the end is an easter egg that attempts to tie the Jason character into the Evil Dead franchise, as explained by the filmmaker:

“Pamela Voorhees makes a deal with the devil by reading from the Necronomicon to bring back her son. This is why Jason isn’t Jason. He’s Jason plus The Evil Dead, and now I can believe that he can go from a little boy that lives in a lake, to a full grown man in a couple of months, to Zombie Jason, to never being able to kill this guy. That, to me, is way more interesting as a mashup, and Raimi loved it! It’s not like I could tell New Line my plan to include The Evil Dead, because they don’t own The Evil Dead. So it had to be an Easter egg, and I did focus on it…there’s a whole scene that includes the book, and I hoped people would get it and could figure out that’s what I’m up to. So yes, in my opinion, Jason Voorhees is a Deadite. He’s one of The Evil Dead.”

Now that would actually be pretty cool, too bad it had to be done in such a clunky fashion and inserted into such a poor excuse of a film.

11th Place: Friday the 13th (Part 1)

This poster of a silhouetted person holding a knife framing what’s I assume is a Bob Ross painting is pretty iconic.

I think most people would place part 5 in the bottom two of their lists, but for all it’s faults I still think it’s a better film than part one. Don't get me wrong, part one isn’t nearly as bad as part 9, none of them are, but with its super low budget and relatively tame (for a slasher film) kill scenes the movie really needed to rely on the writing to be good… and the writing just wasn’t there. This entry is unique in the series not only for the fact that Jason (or someone imitating Jason) is not the killer, but also for the fact that they had attempted to write it as something of a “whodunnit” murder mystery, where you get to see the murders, but not the murderer, and you get to play the detective while watching despite the fact that most of the characters are unaware of what’s happening. This could have been great, if not for the fact that the mystery doesn’t take a “fair play” stance. They make it more or less impossible to guess who the killer is without any prior knowledge of the film, and give you next to nothing in the way of clues other than a quick story about past murders that had occurred at the camp. To me this takes away from the possibility of actually having fun while watching this film. Honestly if I were to write this film I would have inserted Pamela Voorhees into the cast from the very beginning of the film, had her join the camp staff under a different name, and seeded the film with subtle clues that would eventually narrow the list of suspects down to her, only to reveal that she was actually Jason’s mother seeking revenge the entire time. Instead she just pops up at the end for the final conflict of the film. They tried making it seem like she was there to help, but let’s face it nobody could be fooled by that. Ultimately this film kicks off one of the biggest traditions of the series: Having a good idea or concept for a movie only to have the execution of that idea fall miserably short.

10th Place: Friday the 13th: A New Beginning (Part 5)

Believe me when I say this is the least awful official poster for this film.

Our next film is definitely the greatest example of that tradition, as well as the last truly heinous film on this list. Set five years after the previous installment, we find Jason’s killer Tommy Jarvis still haunted by the events of his childhood, experiencing both nightmares and hallucinations, who has recently been placed in a halfway house for at-risk and troubled youths. It’s established that Jason is indeed dead, and that his remains have been cremated (despite Tommy having a nightmare about him rising from the grave) so when a new string of murders arise following the same pattern of gruesome wanton slaughter that Jason was known for, it’s anyone’s guess as to who is the culprit, it could even be Tommy himself. If I’m being honest, this is an absolutely amazing setup for a psychological thriller… too bad they were hellbent on making it another slasher film instead. Really if they had chosen to focus more on the “Is he back, or is it me?” ordeal that Tommy is faced with the film could have been great. Instead they gloss over it in favor of focusing on the same gore and murder we’d already been given in all of the previous installments. Not to mention, when the killer in the Jason mask is finally revealed, he ends up having the most idiotic and ham-handedly written motive imaginable. Turns out that the killer was one of the paramedics seen earlier in the film carrying away the dead body of one of the teens staying at the halfway home. The teen in question was murdered by one of the other residents of the house who did it because reasons amirite? He was arrested and put in prison for the crime, but apparently we find out at the end that the teen who was murdered was actually the paramedic’s son all along, and he went crAaAazy after and decided to get revenge on literally everyone except for his son’s actual murderer (who survives as far as we know) by killing all the kids at the house. He dresses as Jason when he does this (I assume) because it’s fucking cool. Then there’s the ending, which was so stupid they attempted to retcon it by claiming it was a dream.

Here’s how I’d rewrite it to make it work better, if you aren’t interested you can just skip to the next movie

I promise this will be the last one of these where I explain how I would have made this movie, goodness knows I’m not an expert, but I really think a better take would have been to focus much more on Tommy. He’s older, and has turned to habitual drug use to cope with his childhood trauma, providing a less shaky reason for him to be admitted into a halfway home. All of the murders would be set up during times when he was blacked out or hallucinating and had no alibi. There could be hallucinatory sequences featuring him having to violently fend off Jason. Only for him to awaken and later find out there’s been another murder. After this happens a few times (as only once could be coincidental) he would make the decision to stop running from his problems and sober up, providing an opportunity for some actual character growth and to help him become the more assertive and confident version of the character we see in part six. After getting clean, the murders would continue, forcing Tommy to confront the possibility that he failed to stop Jason and that he is still out there. The pacing of the film would then pick up, with the murders now happening at a more steady rate as Tommy prepares to face down his fears and confront the murderer yet again. In the end I would preserve the idea of it being a copycat killer, and a character we encountered previously. I would need to try to come up with a better motivation for his actions though… Anyway, after the true killer is revealed and our hero has brought his rampage to a halt, I’d have the film literally finish where part 6 begins, with Tommy and a fellow survivor driving off to confirm that Jason Voorhees really did die.

9th Place: Friday the 13th Part 2

My guess is Bob Ross found out what they used the painting for last time and refused to make this one.

Here’s where the movies transition from being awful to just “meh”. Friday the 13th parts 2 and 3 are honestly both pretty close together in terms of quality. They’re both just meat and potatoes slasher films with a lumbering disfigured hillbilly as the murderer, but they lay a steady groundwork for the films ahead and for the Jason Voorhees character. I’d say part two is the worse of the two films if only because it had to address some issues that part three didn’t. Namely, Jason was supposed to have died as a child so why is he this big, lumbering, very much alive adult? The explanation given by the film is basically just the future victims discussing a “What if?” scenario where Jason had survived the drowning and instead of re-uniting with his mother, he just kinda lived in the woods for years until witnessing his mother’s beheading at the end of the first film. It’s pretty thin, but we’ll just go with it. Another thing I have to dock at least one point for is that they hadn’t figured out Jason’s signature look at this point, as he wears a sack over his head instead of a hockey mask. I have dubbed this look “Sackboy Jason”, feel free to do with that what you will. While many consider the first film to be a ripoff of Halloween, this film could be viewed as a rip off of… Halloween, but also I suppose The movie Psycho. They clearly tried to give Jason a whole “mother complex” what with him building a shrine around her decapitated head, his given motive for killing being that he witnessed her death, and stopping in his tracks when the last girl Ginny pretends to be his mother. Ultimately despite its few plot fumbles this film is still pretty okay and very much watchable.

8th Place: Friday the 13th Part 3

Despite the shower murder, part 2 is more of an analog to Psycho than this one.

Part 3 is yet another basic slasher film very much in step with the second one. I never saw this movie in 3D, but if it worked anything like any of the other 3D movies of the 1980s, neither did the audience. The main advantage that this film had over its predecessor is, of course, that it was unburdened by having to set up Jason Voorhees as the new killer. As such it can get right into the action. I also enjoy the fact that from here on out the films drop the premise of opening a new summer camp despite all the past murders. Instead this film picks up right where Part 2 leaves off. Jason, thought to be dead at the end of the previous film, gets up and looks for some new duds. After killing some store owners and cleaning up a bit, he heads back to his territory. Meanwhile, another group of teens shows up at an old lakehouse belonging to one of their parents. Since this was the 80s and there wasn’t any internet or cell phones, they obviously wouldn’t be aware of the murders that had just been discovered while they were probably traveling. Honestly everything adds up in this one, which gives it the advantage. Another advantage to this one is that we finally get the iconic hockey mask Jason we all know and love. Once again, this film is far from a masterpiece, but it’s not bad, and even considered a staple by slasher genre enthusiasts.

7th Place: Friday the 13th Part VIII: Jason Takes Manhattan

This rad 80s style poster was made by the talented Matthew Therrien, You can click on it to check out his shop and grab one of your own. — This rad 80s style poster was made by the talented Matthew Therrien.

Hey, it’s the first proper “zombie Jason” film on our list! While it’s not a bad movie this one simply suffers a lot from false advertising. Y’see, in a movie titled “Jason Takes Manhattan”, with the promo images all featuring Jason looming menacingly over the New York City skyline, one would assume they were being treated to a Friday the 13th installment set primarily in New York City. Well you’d be wrong about that bucko! This film could be more accurately titled “Jason’s Boat Ride” because the bulk of the film consists of Jason taking out a group of people on a cruise ship, which in itself is actually a pretty great concept and would make a great movie on its own. Really the false advertising is the main thing this movie suffers from, other than a heavy reliance on conveniently placed Toxic Waste… Really though, what was it with the late 80s and early 90s and toxic waste? Was it really just lying around everywhere you went? I suppose we should all thank Greenpeace or something for clearing it all out by the time we were old enough to remember. Anyway, I would have like for “Jason’s Boat Ride” and “Jason Takes Manhattan” to have been two separate full-length movies, both concepts are good and both kinda deserve their own films. As for this movie, it’s decent, it doesn’t take itself super cereal which is good, it’s entertaining, and it’s the first time we get to see Jason outside of the campgrounds. Definitely worth a watch.

6th Place: Friday the 13th Part VII: The New Blood

This one gives you a pretty good idea of what you’re in for.

Part Seven is a film that takes itself a bit more seriously than the two films it’s sandwiched between. This film tries to finally establish a new character who would serve as a worthy adversary and potential foil to Jason in the form of Tina, a teenage girl with psychic and telekinetic powers who is left slightly disturbed due to past trauma with her abusive father. She starts off with very little control over her powers, which seem to be tied heavily to her emotions, and by the end of the film she appears to gain almost full control over them. Despite being something of a knockoff of Carrie, Tina would have made for an interesting recurring character due to the fact that by the end of the film her powers have developed enough to allow her to stand toe to toe with Jason, even though she isn’t powerful enough to put him down for good. Unfortunately she only appears in this one film due to the fact that Paramount only release one more movie in the series before selling the rights to Jason, and only Jason, to New Line Cinema. That being said, I enjoyed the idea of Jason actually being put on the ropes, even if only for a minute or two. Ultimately, it’s an entertaining film that has secured its slot in the middle of the list due to its originality more than its overall quality.

5th Place: Freddy Vs Jason

13 year old me flipped his shit upon seeing this poster hanging in the theaters.

The culmination of two of the biggest properties in horror at the time, one might assume that this movie would be made with the utmost care, so as to bolster both franchises going into the future. One would be wrong. If I’m being honest, Freddy vs. Jason only places so highly on this list due to the fact that despite its numerous and glaring faults, it’s still a pretty entertaining film. If you’re a fan of horror films exclusively you might disagree though, since this one plays out more like an action flick. With almost nothing in the way of scares, the focus here is definitely on the action. The acting is terrible (except of course for Robert Englund, who delivers as good a performance as you’d expect) and the clunky dialogue and weak character development does little to help. Let’s face it though, you don’t watch a movie called Freddy vs. Jason for any of those things, you watch it to see two titans of horror duke it out. If I’m being honest, despite the fact that every line of dialogue serves no purpose other than to speed along the film’s plot, the plot takes up more or less the first hour of the film, which is too much of the its 98 minute run time. The plot moves too slowly, and this movie would have benefited far more from having a bare-bones 30 minutes of setup with the last hour consisting of Freddy and Jason facing off against each other with a bunch of poor, doomed teenagers caught in the middle. That being said, the movie does have its charms. It serves as a great time capsule of the very early 2000s, from the terrible cornfield raver dude in the glowstick suit to the blatant ripoff of Jay from Jay and Silent Bob. Not only that, but a few of the deaths are pretty entertaining, if not outright laugh inducing. For example, in one scene, Jason slashes a girl so hard with his machete that she goes flying a good 40-50 feet into a tree. I will say though, Freddy’s dream kills could have been done with more creativity. He basically just slashes them up, nothing special there compared to some of the ones we’re used to. Ultimately, this movie gets by on its action scenes, gratuitous violence, and the all important nostalgia factor, but it’s lack of actual substance or originality, in addition to it taking itself just a bit too seriously, keep it from reaching higher on the list.

4th Place: Friday the 13th: The Final Chapter (far from it, part 4)

Ironically the studio’s attempt to kill off the series, which they seemed to hate despite the fact that it made them some good money, resulted in one of its higher-quality entries. The last of what I like to call the “Living Jason” portion of the series delivers what it promises, by the end of the film, Jason is most definitely dead, and at the hands of a young Tommy Jarvis (played here by Corey Feldman, of all people). Once again following immediately after the events of the previous film, Jason is presumed dead and brought to a morgue, only to wake up and begin another murder spree. Can I also take a moment to say that I really like the fact that the first four films really make an effort with the costuming to have Jason’s dino-damage carry over from film to film. Anyway, This time the victims are another group of teenagers driving out for a weekend at the lake, as well as their neighbors, the Jarvis family, or as I like to call them: The first somewhat likable protagonists this series has produced. Unlike the previous three films you get to see something of a family dynamic, which really helps you to feel bad for Tommy and Trish when Jason inevitably kills their mother, which clearly traumatizes Tommy after the dust has settled and the adrenaline has subsided. All in all, this one is better written and a bit better paced than its predecessors, but that’s not quite enough to land it in the top 3 for me, even though other people would probably even go so far as to make it their number one. Don’t get me wrong, this one stands toe to toe with the best, it just happened to fall outside of the winner’s circle for me.

Those of you who are fans of the series and have been keeping track of the list so far are probably ready to tear my head of, but at least let me try to explain my picks first.

3rd Place: Jason X (Part 10. Yeah it’s this high on the list, suck it.)

Is it just me or does the layout of this one make it look like he has a super wide head.

Much maligned at the time of its release due to it’s silly premise, the second of the New Line Jason movies has gained a bit more appreciation in recent years. Much like with Jason Goes To Hell, I was too young to watch when this one came out, if only by a year or two, but I more than remember the marketing and merch from this film blowing my mind and convincing me that this was the most hardcore horror film ever made before I had seen it. Unlike Jason Goes To Hell, this one at least attempts to deliver what it promised. As outrageous as it is gruesome, while it’s certainly a very campy film, there’s no denying that a cyborg Jason in space is a badass concept. This is the kind of movie you get when you’ve run out of ideas for what to do with a horror franchise, so you say “Fuck it, let’s launch the whole thing into space!” In my opinion, the reason this film is so entertaining and works so well is simple: It knows what it is, and it doesn’t try to be anything it isn’t. When the writers and director were given the concept of the movie, they knew right away that this was not going to be an arthouse film they were making. The concept is just too absurd, so the best hope of making it entertaining would be to lean into that absurd silliness of it all, while capitalizing on the futuristic sci-fi elements to allow for some genuinely unique kill-scenes that we wouldn’t be able to get anywhere else. To be honest, if I’m rating the films based entirely on pure entertainment value, this one’s number one, but I feel like the two that beat it deserve their spots due to other reasons.

2nd Place: Friday the 13th (2009 Reboot)

A basic poster is pretty well-suited to a back to basics movie.

Despite Jason X being controversial, this is where I really expect the hate for this list to roll in. Taking the number two slot is the 2009 reboot of the series, simply titled “Friday the 13th”. I honestly don’t understand the hate this film gets. I mean sure, it can be a bit basic at points, and it takes away from most of the Jason Voorhees mystique that has built up over the past decades, but that’s exactly what this film is supposed to do. Like it or not, the reboot is a reboot and it takes everything back to the basics of the early films. It perfectly distills the first three movies into a single solid entry, taking only the bare minimum of what was needed from each and attempting to work it together into a new plot. Another interesting thing here is that the reboot attempts to better flesh out Jason’s methodology. Being reverted from his former zombie powerhouse self to the forest prowling human psychopath of the first movie actually raises some questions which the film makes efforts to answer. Namely “How does Jason just pop up out of nowhere?” and “How does he seem to know where people are at all times?” I’ll admit, it doesn’t offer great explanations for this, but it tries dammit! I’ve heard a lot of people complain about the way Jason looks in this movie because he’s too cut and muscular, but if we’re being realistic a dude surviving off the land in the middle of the woods on his own is probably going to be pretty lean. That being said, my only issue with this movie if I’m nitpicking, is with Jason’s appearance as well, namely the costuming. It’s honestly too perfect. His clothes suit his appearace too well to the point where it looks like an assembled costume. While he does look pretty badass, there’s just something a little unconvincing about it. Really though it’s a minor thing, and doesn’t change the fact that the movie is pretty darn good overall, with the first 20 minutes being absolutely fantastic. If I’m being bold, I would suggest that when viewing this series in order you could save some time and increase your overall enjoyment by tossing out the first three films and just watching this one instead, followed by four and then six and so on. Really the reason this makes number two is simple: it’s a well executed “traditional” take on the early series, as well as a perfect excuse for me to not have to sit through the first three films (which aren’t bad on average, they just eat up a lot of time) ever again.

1st Place: Friday the 13th Part VI: Jason Lives

I hope whoever they paid for that tagline got a promotion to the unemployment office.

Honestly I don’t think this one is all that surprising. When you ask people which of these films is their favorite there’s about a 90% chance of them picking either this one or part four. This movie, more than any other in the series, perfectly encapsulates everything this series should be. It has just about everything you could want from a Jason movie. It’s the first entry to not try and take itself too seriously, but seriously enough so that it doesn’t come across as corny. The film opens with Tommy Jarvis (this time played by Return of the Living Dead’s Thom Mathews) and a friend digging up Jason’s grave to make sure he’s still in it, only for Tommy to pick a whole basket of oopsy-daisies by accidentally reviving him when a lightning bolt strikes the metal post Tommy was stabbing the corpse with. Jason then revives, punches a literal hole through the friend’s chest, and get’s his own version of a Bond opening scene… at which point this movie had me in its corner forever. The killings range from humorous to grisly, and there are plenty of them. It’s also the first film where we get to see Jason as a zombie with superhuman strength and durability. This means we get to see him dish out and also take some serious punishment. From shooting him full of holes to sticking a boat propeller in his face to setting him on fire, Jason gets put through the ringer in this one and just keeps on rolling. All in all, this film is one of the best paced, highest overall quality, and most entertaining entries in the series, with nothing really to drag it down. These are all really big pluses working in its favor, but the real reason I consider it to be number one is the fact that this film is a vital turning point for both the series and the Jason Voorhees character and mythos, without which the franchise would have likely faded into relative obscurity.

Bonus: Never Hike Alone

While not technically an “official” entry in the series, Vincente DiSanti’s Never Hike Alone is definitely worth a mention. While it’s far from the first Friday the 13th Fan-Film, it’s definitely the best, and it holds the distinction of being even better than more than half of the movies on this list. The film is shot as a hybrid of found footage and conventional filming and it actually plays quite well as a result. It tells the story of a young nature survivalist hiking through the catskills of southeastern New York, after discovering a gated off route he decides to go exploring and happens across a long abandoned summer camp… you can see where this is going. The film does an absolutely marvelous job of building up tension which eventually comes to a head when our protagonist faces off with the man himself, Jason Voorhees, and I have to say, their showdown is positively amazing. We’re even treated to a great (and unexpected) surprise cameo from a fan favorite! This short movie is very well crafted and you can really tell a lot of care was put into it. The editing is superb, the acting is better than most Hollywood slasher films, the audio does a great job of building atmosphere, and the locations were carefully scouted to look like familiar locations from previous films. If I were to rank this film it would probably sit in third place just after the reboot on this list, it’s that good. You don’t need to take my word for it though, you can watch the whole film for free on youtube, I’ll even include it below.

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