Pope Finds Peculiar "Ancient" Text That Says He’s Allowed To Use Gay Slurs, Actually

Recently Discovered Ancient Biblical Text Proves Surprisingly Relevant To Present Day Issue

Zach

Twice in recent weeks, Pope Francis has found himself at the center of controversy for his use of a gay slur. While he initially apologized for his insensitive remark, he quickly changed course, noting a recently discovered ancient text that supposedly grants him special permission to say things of that nature.

The fragment, which was on stationary remarkably similar to the kind the pope is known to use, probably due to a long standing church tradition or something, appeared to have been written in great haste - no doubt due to the difficulty of trying to keep up with a small semi-divine child. It details one of Christ’s earliest sermons in which he explains, and I quote: “No really dudes, it’s super okay and totally chill for high ranking members of the church to use slurs for gay people. For real. There are so many great reasons why it should be okay.” It goes on like that for about three  paragraphs. Strangely the grammar in several places is more consistent with modern Italian than any 4th century languages.

The yet to be authenticated text was found sticking out from under a candlestick near the Vatican’s library entrance. Its sudden decision to finally show itself after such a long time is truly a miracle.

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