Simon Cowell’s Biggest Regret? Not Exploiting Teens More

Derek Laganelli

If you’ve listened to music in the past twenty years, there’s little doubt that you’ve heard at least a few songs that Simon Cowell had a hand in crafting. We had a chance to catch up with the legendary producer, and ask him what he would change about the industry if he could.

“If only there were some way that I could legally own another human being. Like, if I could force them to work and do whatever I want while I reap all the benefits of their labor. It’s not terribly far from what we currently do in the music industry, but it’s frustrating that these people get to leave the studio for non-concert related reasons. If only more people understood how that affects our bottom line as producers.”

When asked to name a few of his biggest inspirations, he was quick to mention Lou Pearlman, manager of both *NSYNC & the Backstreet Boys, as well as Colonel Tom Parker, manager of Elvis Presley. “Those guys completely revolutionized the way show business exploits young talent. Their work was so influential that their methods even began bleeding into other industries. Who do you think Nickelodeon stole their playbook from?”

*Disclaimer: Everything you’ve just read has been satire, and we can’t even believe that we have to mention it just to keep us from getting sued. Don’t believe everything you read on the internet.

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