MrBeast Seeks Virgins for the World’s Most Viewed Ritualistic Sacrifice

DEREK LAGANELLI

After six long years, Jimmy “MrBeast” Donaldson has amassed an impressive 268 million subscribers on his main YouTube channel, crowning him the most followed personality on the platform. When asked about his success, he attributed his good fortune and rise to fame to notorious king of the underworld, Beelzebub.

“Breaking this record is something I’ve dreamed of since I started making Minecraft videos when I was 14 years old” says Donaldson. “I obviously worked hard and sacrificed a lot to get to where I am, but I truly would not be where I am today without the support & guidance of my mentor, Beelzebub.” Which is why, he says, he is planning his most ambitious project yet; what he hopes will be the world’s most viewed blood sacrifice, to honor his friend and mentor.

“We understand that a sacrifice on this scale has never been done before, so we’re doing everything as ethically as possible.” Donaldson says all the altars are being crafted from highly recyclable HDPE plastics, and that they’ve created a proprietary process to collect & sort every drop of blood by type, which will then be donated to the Red Cross. As a thank you, he intends to give away a special MrBeast themed Cybertruck to one lucky family of his sacrifices. The winner will be chosen at random, gift taxes will not be covered.

*Disclaimer: Everything you’ve just read has been satire, and we can’t even believe that we have to mention it just to keep us from getting sued. Don’t believe everything you read on the internet.