Alec Earns ‘The Baldwins’ TLC Show After Gladiator-Style Battle to the Death With Three Brothers

DEREK LAGANELLI

Reality television juggernaut TLC announced this week that it intends to bring us an intimate glimpse into the daily lives of America’s first family, with their new show The Baldwins. The only problem? They are only allocating the budget to follow one Baldwin brother’s family. Alec, Billy, Daniel and Stephen agreed the only rational way to decide who gets the show is a gladiator-style fight to the death.

Before the battle began, we had an opportunity to ask the brothers if they thought this would be a fair fight. “If you had asked me three years ago, I would’ve said yes, absolutely,” remarked Billy as he casts a nervous glance towards a stone-faced Alec, “...but now, I’m not so sure.” Sensing the building tension, Stephen quickly changed the subject and went on to assure us that no matter the outcome, he and Pauly Shore have finalized plans for an AI generated Bio-Dome sequel. “Have you seen that movie Chappie? We’ve basically figured out how to transfer my consciousness into ChatGPT just like they did to the Die Antwoord chick, essentially ensuring infinite Bio-Dome sequels. Seriously, they sky’s the limit whether I live or die.”

He died.

The Baldwins will premiere on TLC in 2025 and star Alec, wife Hilaria, and their seven children. Bio-Dome’s 2-7 will be available to stream this Thursday on Spike TV+

*Disclaimer: Everything you’ve just read has been satire, and we can’t even believe that we have to mention it just to keep us from getting sued. Don’t believe everything you read on the internet.

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