New week, new news. Let’s do this thing.

North Korea Establishes Its Own Space Program, Begins Flight Testing

North Korea’s flying craft are full of shit. Which is very on brand for their government.

Move over Space Force, there’s a new asstronaut in town. It’s been reported that balloons filled with trash and (presumed) human feces sent into orbit by supreme leader Kim Jong Un have touched down prematurely in South Korea. It’s certainly an unconventional way for North Korea to jumpstart their space program, but keeping in line with the rest of their government agencies, this new branch is also, appropriately, full of shit.

“We got the idea to shoot our trash into space from an episode of Futurama. We only caught a few minutes of it, but what could possibly go wrong?”

— Kim Jong Un, Probably

While this test flight didn’t quite make it to it’s intended final destination, Jong Un hopes future flights are more successful - much to the dismay of Apple co-founder & prospective space junk remover, Steve Wozniak. It’s well known that Wozniak had to put up with a lot of shit early on in his career, and predictably, retirement isn’t looking much different.

Finally! The Challenger Tragedy Gets a Reboot for the TikTok Generation

In an era where seemingly everything needs to tie into established IP, even tragedies are getting legacy sequels. On the surface it may seem that a sequel to 1986’s Challenger Shuttle tragedy would be in poor taste, but that’s not how Dave Calhoun, CEO of Boeing, sees it.

“If you were a kid growing up in the 80s, you got that unique communal experience of seeing the Challenger shuttle explosion live with your elementary school classmates,” says Calhoun. “In an increasingly disconnected world, we’re trying to do what we can to help. Which is why on June 1st, kids all around the world can tune into our TikTok live stream, and experience a shuttle explosion that’s both new & exciting, yet familiar.”

Boeing, for their part, has already been running a series of in-atmosphere test runs using their commercial airplanes.

We reached out to NASA’s Head of Engineering for comment, but were saddened to hear that he had tragically passed away via falling into a live volcano just moments prior.

Millennials Are Killing The Midlife Crisis Industry, Don’t They Understand How This Will Prevent More Billionaires From Going to Space?

This article was brought to you by our buddy Bob the Boomer, we swear it’s not just a millennial with a gray wig and fake mustache.

We all know that Millennials love to make problems for the economy by destroying industries just for fun. They love to eradicate entire job sectors and cause profit loss for all sorts of corporations. It’s really just a bigger version of the knock-out game to them. Well this week’s target might be a step too far because they’re going after a true American tradition, the midlife crisis.

According to an article published this week, most Millennials claim they can’t afford a midlife crisis. How typical, any time we talk about them killing off an industry it’s the same old excuses. “We need to eat!” “My rent’s too high!” “My student loan payment is higher than your mortgage!” Blah blah blah. We’ve heard it and we know it’s all bullshit.

The highest state minimum wage is $17 an hour for Pete’s sake! Sure that’s only in a small district, and in almost half the country it’s still only $7.25, but that doesn’t support my argument so I’m gonna blow right past it. If I had made $17 an hour when I was your age I’d have had a mansion, six kids, a Rolls Royce, and a guest house for my mistress to stay in. Of course I was your age back in 1980, and there’s no way the cost of any of those things has increased since then. Think about it, if everything was more expensive while wages failed to keep up then society would be collapsing by now. I don’t care that you work 60 hours a week, you don’t even have a real job because you aren’t a plumber or a doctor, and if you are I’m sure you’re only poor because you’re bad at it. Anyway I’m done with my tangent, back to my article about how all these industries are collapsing.

“I worked hard to earn everything I have. I deserve it. If you don’t have anything, it’s because you didn’t work hard and don’t deserve it. Because if you worked hard and didn’t get the things you deserve, it might mean I don’t deserve some of the things I have.”

— Every Baby Boomer Ever

Can’t they think of how their reckless and callous desire to meet their basic hierarchy of needs is affecting the bottom lines for everyone in charge? If people in their late 30s stop trying to cling desperately to their youth, how will the executives whose companies make such important things like motorcycles, high end sports cars, and luxury cruise lines ever be able to afford their own space programs? The Earth is fucked and the rich & powerful know that they need to get out of dodge and rule us remotely from Mars while we fight over the desolate scraps of what’s left. They’ll just have to squeeze their few remaining employees harder to make it happen. I’m sure they can take it, though.

It doesn’t only affect the wealthy and powerful however. Has anyone considered how this will affect all the poor mistresses out there trying to pay their own debts down by selling their bodies to married sugar daddies twice their age? These poor women work so hard to try and pry men’s income away from their greedy wives and children, and now they’re going to be out of a job.

So if you’re thinking of skipping out on your midlife crisis, don’t! The economy needs you to keep spending money on frivolous shit so that those of us who bought in earlier can continue to reap the benefits, but not frivolous shit like avocado toast. The next time you decide to destroy an industry just for fun, remember you’re hurting real people. By which I mean rich people, because they’re the only real people. If you keep this up we’re eventually gonna stop taking “we’re too poor” as an excuse.

*Disclaimer: Everything you’ve just read has been satire, and we can’t even believe that we have to mention it just to keep us from getting sued. Don’t believe everything you read on the internet.