Been a minute since I’ve used that gif. Sure feels good to get back into the swing of it! Anyways, let’s jump right into our first headline:

Red Lobster Files for Chapter 11 a Mere 48 days After the Death of ‘Happy Gilmore’ Actor Joe Flaherty

Coincidence?

While some will say that there was a direct correlation between an “Endless Shrimp” promotion and the business’ financial failure, I imagine the rumor is nothing more than the magician-like work of an incredible PR team. The fact of the matter is, the closest person these sub-par fishmongers had to a brand mascot passed away peacefully a little over a month before the news of their financial woes went public.

Let’s hope for Subway’s sake, nothing tragic happens to Adam Sandler.

Man, that statement reads like a letter written by a Dad to his kids after he just got kicked out of the house by his wife.

“You see kids, while divorce may sound like a bad thing…”

Happy Gilmore 2 Officially Confirmed by Netflix a Mere 44 Days After the Death of Actor Joe Flaherty

Coincidence?

If these two topics have almost nothing to do with each other, why are they in the same article? What did Joe know? Why was it enough to make him stand in the way of a major studio production? Is Netflix really willing to place a hit on a beloved actor just to keep making that sweet, sweet Adam Sandler money? Look, I’m not accusing anyone of anything, I’m just asking questions here. No, I will not be attempting to provide answers because that would require actual work.

Self-Driving Tesla Tries to Drive Into a Speeding Train, No, Driver Was Not ‘Happy Gilmore’ Actor Joe Flaherty

The Simpsons predicts the future once again, the robots are trying to kill themselves (and us, too!) Because we can’t just stumble down a rabbit hole without digging it much deeper ourselves, we should mention Happy Gilmore actor Joe Flaherty is unlikely to be charged with anything due to being deceased at the time the incident occurred.

However, that doesn’t mean the secret Netflix shadow government isn’t colluding with Elon Musk to find new ways of assassinating dissidents. Sure it also doesn’t mean that they are, but it doesn’t mean that they aren’t either. I’m not directly claiming anything either way. I just want to get people thinking, because I sure as hell ain’t.

Timothée Chalamet Awarded New Wax Figure at Madame Tussaud’s in London, Meanwhile They’ve Done Nothing To Honor The Late Joe Flaherty

Actor Timothée Chalamet(sometimes pronounced Tim-O-Tay by insufferable people, also known in the rap game as Big Worm Timmy) is getting thoroughly waxed. The 28 year old actor, perhaps best known for his role in that one Law and Order episode back in 2009, is finally being recognized for his tour de force performance with the erection (lol) of a wax figure at the world famous Madame Tussaud’s in London. Conspicuously absent, despite his years of dedication to the craft, was any recognition of the cinematic achievements of beloved actor Joe Flaherty. How deep must this cover up go? Do they expect us to just forget about this man despite the giant Flaherty-shaped hole that has been left in the industry? It isn’t right, and I’m done walking on eggshells. They did that shit. I’m saying it now. This goes way deeper than you all think and even another article wouldn’t be enough to outline the entire conspiracy. I will not be silenced, and I will expose the perpetrators beginning with the head honchos themselves-ACK…………

*Disclaimer: Everything you’ve just read has been satire, and we can’t even believe that we have to mention it just to keep us from getting sued. Don’t believe everything you read on the internet.