Bear Grylls Set to Announce Man Vs Wild: In Space After NASA Unveils New Space Suit Urine Recycling Technology

Zach

That’s right! Bear Grylls, star of hit reality survival show Man Vs Wild finally has a good reason to revive the franchise. That reason of course being NASA’s recently unveiled urinary recycling system. Previously, if you had to drain the old wizzard lizard on a spacewalk you had to do so into a diaper, which is unsanitary, wasteful, and lacking taste. I can’t vouch for the sanitary implications, but the new technology will definitely be less wasteful, and I would bet my last dollar (seriously, I’m poor) that it won’t be lacking in taste. That’s because the new method will recycle urine into drinking water.

This creates the opportunity the reality star/survivalist has been waiting his whole life for. When I attempted to reach Mr. Grylls for comment what he said to us was “Who are you and why are you in my kitchen?!” before throwing us out of his house. I assume this is some sort of old British slang that translates to those of us across the pond as: “As a pro survivalist, I’ve had the opportunity to drink my own urine on camera in every continent on the globe, but ever since I was a small child I’ve dreamed of being the first man to drink his own urine in space. I’ve always had to drink my own urine the old fashioned primitive way, same as our caveman ancestors did. To live to see such exciting developments in urine drinking technology is a marvel I never thought I’d be able to experience.” Yes, the Brits truly have a gift for taking such lengthy and elaborate ideas and distilling them down into simple, folksy phrases.

I don’t know when the new season will air because the technology is still in development, and I’m far too lazy to ask NASA when it will be ready to deploy… and also I have no idea if Discovery is in any way interested. What I do know is that I wanted to write an article about it while avoiding the super obvious Dune jokes I could make, and I have. So in a way, I suppose you could say that I’m the real hero here. You’re welcome.

*Disclaimer: Everything you’ve just read has been satire, and we can’t even believe that we have to mention it just to keep us from getting sued. Don’t believe everything you read on the internet.

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