Debate Ends in Draw After Both Candidates Heads Pop Off

Derek Laganelli

In the weeks leading up to the first debate of the 2024 election season, many Americans expressed concern over the candidates’ mental acuity and their ability to stay on topic. CNN moderators Jake Tapper and Dana Bash shared a similar unease, so they devised a plan to flip the very idea of a debate on its head: create a life size version of a children’s board game, complete with working robot suits donated by event sponsor, Mattel.

“The thought behind the ‘Rock’em Sock’em Debate’ was simple” said Tapper, “it's clear that the American public wants to see these two geezers knock each other’s block off, so let’s just do that! The brilliance of the event truly lies in its simplicity.”

Despite Tapper’s promise of simplicity, the first half hour of the debate was spent trying and failing to explain how to operate the robots. CNN eventually admitted that controlling something with two buttons might be a little too advanced for them, so the candidates took a page out of every politician’s playbook and had their teams do all the real work while being awarded the credit.

“Some people worried that the joystick feature was a bit on the nose” remarked Bash, “two men being literally puppeteered for political gain. Ultimately we figured that most Americans would get bored and change the channel to watch Beat Bobby Flay reruns before they picked up on the undertones anyways.”

*Disclaimer: Everything you’ve just read has been satire, and we can’t even believe that we have to mention it just to keep us from getting sued. Don’t believe everything you read on the internet.