MrBeast Becomes YouTube’s Most Subscribed Channel, Seeks Virgins for the World’s Most Viewed Ritualistic Sacrifice

After six long years, Jimmy “MrBeast” Donaldson has amassed an impressive 268 million subscribers on his main YouTube channel, crowning him the most followed personality on the platform. When asked about his success, he attributed his good fortune and rise to fame to notorious king of the underworld, Beelzebub.

“Breaking this record is something I’ve dreamed of since I started making Minecraft videos when I was 14 years old” says Donaldson. “I obviously worked hard and sacrificed a lot to get to where I am, but I truly would not be where I am today without the support & guidance of my mentor, Beelzebub.” Which is why, he says, he is planning his most ambitious project yet; what he hopes will be the world’s most viewed blood sacrifice, to honor his friend and mentor.

“We understand that a sacrifice on this scale has never been done before, so we’re doing everything as ethically as possible.” Donaldson says all the altars are being crafted from highly recyclable HDPE plastics, and that they’ve created a proprietary process to collect & sort every drop of blood by type, which will then be donated to the Red Cross. As a thank you, he intends to give away a special MrBeast themed Cybertruck to the family of one of his sacrifices. The winner will be chosen at random, gift taxes will not be covered.

Alec Earns ‘The Baldwins’ TLC Show After Gladiator-Style Battle to the Death With Three Brothers

Reality television juggernaut TLC announced this week that it intends to bring us an intimate glimpse into the daily lives of America’s first family with their new show The Baldwins. The only problem? They are only allocating the budget to follow one Baldwin brother’s family. Alec, Billy, Daniel and Stephen agreed the only rational way to decide who gets the show is a gladiator-style fight to the death.

Before the battle began, we had an opportunity to ask the brothers if they thought this would be a fair fight. “If you had asked me three years ago, I would’ve said yes, absolutely,” remarked Billy as he casts a nervous glance towards a stone-faced Alec, “...but now, I’m not so sure.” Sensing the building tension, Stephen quickly changed the subject and went on to assure us that no matter the outcome, he and Pauly Shore have finalized plans for an AI generated Bio-Dome sequel. “Have you seen that movie Chappie? We’ve basically figured out how to transfer my consciousness into ChatGPT just like they did to the Die Antwoord chick, essentially ensuring infinite Bio-Dome sequels. Seriously, they sky’s the limit whether I live or die.”

He died.

The Baldwins will premiere on TLC in 2025 and star Alec, wife Hilaria, and their seven children. Bio-Dome’s 2-7 will be available to stream this Thursday on Spike TV+

Pat Sajack Retires After 41 Years So They Let Him Say One Slur As A Going Away Present

Pat Sajak, host of nursing home favorite Wheel of Fortune, has finally retired. First appearing on the show in 1981, Sajak would go on to host the show for an astounding 41 seasons, showing a level of contempt for contestants unmatched by any other game show host in history.

As a reward for his dedication (aside from the millions of dollars and blind admiration of generations) the Wheel crew gifted him a free pass to say one slur of his choosing, live on-air. “I’ve been waiting decades for this very moment,” said a teary eyed Sajak, “I can’t believe my dream is finally coming true.” When asked if he’ll be drawing inspiration from anyone in particular for the big moment, he mentioned Michael Richards as being a great “jumping off point” - but noted that he wanted to do something that was uniquely him.

Tune in on Friday, June 7th to witness the historic television moment, and be sure that your parental settings are turned off. As for what’s next for Sajak? You can see him star in a community theater production based on hit 1970s TV show, Columbo in July of 2025. Yes, really.

*Disclaimer: Everything you’ve just read has been satire, and we can’t even believe that we have to mention it just to keep us from getting sued. Don’t believe everything you read on the internet.