Millennials Are Killing The Midlife Crisis Industry, Don’t They Understand How This Will Prevent More Billionaires From Going to Space?

ZACH

This article was brought to you by our buddy Bob the Boomer, we swear it’s not just a millennial with a gray wig and fake mustache.

We all know that Millennials love to make problems for the economy by destroying industries just for fun. They love to eradicate entire job sectors and cause profit loss for all sorts of corporations. It’s really just a bigger version of the knock-out game to them. Well this week’s target might be a step too far because they’re going after a true American tradition, the midlife crisis.

According to an article published this week, most Millennials claim they can’t afford a midlife crisis. How typical, any time we talk about them killing off an industry it’s the same old excuses. “We need to eat!” “My rent’s too high!” “My student loan payment is higher than your mortgage!” Blah blah blah. We’ve heard it and we know it’s all bullshit.

The highest state minimum wage is $17 an hour for Pete’s sake! Sure that’s only in a small district, and in almost half the country it’s still only $7.25, but that doesn’t support my argument so I’m gonna blow right past it. If I had made $17 an hour when I was your age I’d have had a mansion, six kids, a Rolls Royce, and a guest house for my mistress to stay in. Of course I was your age back in 1980, and there’s no way the cost of any of those things has increased since then. Think about it, if everything was more expensive while wages failed to keep up then society would be collapsing by now. I don’t care that you work 60 hours a week, you don’t even have a real job because you aren’t a plumber or a doctor, and if you are I’m sure you’re only poor because you’re bad at it. Anyway I’m done with my tangent, back to my article about how all these industries are collapsing.

“I worked hard to earn everything I have. I deserve it. If you don’t have anything, it’s because you didn’t work hard and don’t deserve it. Because if you worked hard and didn’t get the things you deserve, it might mean I don’t deserve some of the things I have.”

— Every Baby Boomer Ever

Can’t they think of how their reckless and callous desire to meet their basic hierarchy of needs is affecting the bottom lines for everyone in charge? If people in their late 30s stop trying to cling desperately to their youth, how will the executives whose companies make such important things like motorcycles, high end sports cars, and luxury cruise lines ever be able to afford their own space programs? The Earth is fucked and the rich & powerful know that they need to get out of dodge and rule us remotely from Mars while we fight over the desolate scraps of what’s left. They’ll just have to squeeze their few remaining employees harder to make it happen. I’m sure they can take it, though.

It doesn’t only affect the wealthy and powerful however. Has anyone considered how this will affect all the poor mistresses out there trying to pay their own debts down by selling their bodies to married sugar daddies twice their age? These poor women work so hard to try and pry men’s income away from their greedy wives and children, and now they’re going to be out of a job.

So if you’re thinking of skipping out on your midlife crisis, don’t! The economy needs you to keep spending money on frivolous shit so that those of us who bought in earlier can continue to reap the benefits, but not frivolous shit like avocado toast. The next time you decide to destroy an industry just for fun, remember you’re hurting real people. By which I mean rich people, because they’re the only real people. If you keep this up we’re eventually gonna stop taking “we’re too poor” as an excuse.

*Disclaimer: Everything you’ve just read has been satire, and we can’t even believe that we have to mention it just to keep us from getting sued. Don’t believe everything you read on the internet.