The three words in a commercial between nicktoons that, even today, still echoes in my brain; "Nickelodeon Magazine, please!" As a kid, those three words intoxicated me. I would've killed or, at the least, cleaned my room, did dishes or mowed the grass without complaining to have a subscription to Nickelodeon Magazine. How could I call myself a "Nick Kid" without one? Long story short, it never happened for me. In an effort to live out my childhood fantasy, I snagged a few issues online. Today, we will be looking at highlights from a specific issue; the premiere Summer 1993 issue featuring Ren and Stimpy in swimsuits!

To clarify, this is actually the 2nd "premier" issue of Nickelodeon Magazine. The original first premier issue was in partnership with Pizza Hut. The cover price was $1.95 but was also distributed free with purchase at participating Pizza Hut restaurants. Supposedly, the original release of the magazine saw 2 issues. I haven't seen the other issue but multiple sources say it does indeed exist. Nick Magazine returned in the Summer of 1993 with the issue that we are currently about to dive into. Let's take a look!

THE IDEA FOR SLIME

On a single page simply titled "Ask the Boss Lady," referring to Nickelodeon president Geraldine B. Laybourne, there is a short explanation to where the idea for slime came from. I've never pondered that question myself. Personally, I've always been interested in what the slime consisted of. Growing up with shows like "Family Double Dare" and "Figure It Out" where contestants are practically swimming and gurgling the concoction... I've always been curious about the recipe and if it was edible or what.

Digging a little deeper, I've come to find that the slime used in sets of Nickelodeon is a mixture of oatmeal, applesauce, vanilla pudding and green food coloring which, honestly, doesn't sound half bad. Back to the article, Laybourne explains that the idea came from the set of "You Can't Do That on Television." Apparently, the producers decided to get back at the hosts of the show for getting "out of hand" one afternoon by giving them all pies to the face. After a few delays, the pies ultimately sat around and "fermented" into something green and slimey. The green pies were discarded but also were the inspiration for the beloved green substance that we all know today.

FOOD ON STICKS

In an entry entitled "Corn Dogs and Giant Hogs", we read about the weird experiences we encounter in State Fairs like cow-chip throwing, competitive eating contests, jumbo vegetables, cockroach and pig races, and even pig kissing. Ok, the annual Kiss-A-Pig event is a new one to me but not surprising at all. Also, the owner of Robinsons Racing Pigs in Tampa Florida says for successful pig training, they spend $8000 a year on Oreo cookies to feed their pigs. They also feed them Cherry Coke by the can. We've seen cherry cola flavored oreos. Perhaps there is an opportunity for cherry coke oreo flavored bacon in the future?

What caught my eye was the small part about food on sticks entitled "Stick Picks" (not to be confused with "dick pics"). "All foods taste better on a stick." A debatable statement but Im intrigued nonetheless by the lineup they've mentioned alone. Pork chop, Walleye and taffy on sticks? While I can't think of any time I felt it necessary to jam a stick through a pork chop and carry it around with me at a state fair, through some digging, I found that the taffy they mention refers to Canadian maple taffy which is maple syrup heated to 235°F and dumped onto shaved ice or snow and wrapped around sticks. Sounds delicious.

SUMMER CAMP AT HOME

As a kid growing up with shows like "Salute Your Shorts" and "Bug Juice," I've always wondered what it would be like spending vacation at summer camp. As appealing as it was then, this flowchart seems to sum up exactly why I'm 100% okay without ever partaking in the festivities. Lukewarm drinks, bug bites, mosquitos, no access to decent showers.... the list goes on. I enjoy spending most of my free time during summer in front of the air conditioner not sweating my ass off. I specifically love the poison ivy patch bit. "Tell your friends you got it while wrestling a bear on a wilderness-survival trek." No bear bites or scratches... just a random poison ivy patch got me during the struggle. Otherwise, completely unscathed. Classic.

JOHN LEGUIZAMO INTERVIEW

Although this John Leguizamo interview has close to nothing to do with the Super Mario Bros. movie, I couldn't not include it as one of the best highlights out of this entire issue. Remember that video game movie mess? Had it not been called "Super Mario Bros." you might not have known it was, in fact, a movie about the plumbing video game duo.

For how awful it was, it still remains one of my favorite movies from my childhood. Really, how else could they tackle a live action version of Super Mario? I remember renting it along with Baby's Day Out back in probably 95 or 96. One memory that sticks with me is wondering why Mario and Luigi barely looked the part. That is, until they changed into their classic colors halfway through the movie.

GROSS FOOD COMBOS TESTED

And last but not least, this prime entry "Queasy Does It!" where the world's most daring food critic, Ann Hodgman, agrees to judge the grossest food combinations imaginable. The process leading to their end concoction is unclear but the outcome is not at all disappointing. The Bologna Milkshake: bologna, milk, cottage cheese, paprika, chickpeas, maraschino cherries, canned peach slices, pearl onions, strawberry frozen yogurt and tuna fish blended and topped with a whipped cream garnish.

Now, I'm assuming this was a reoccurring entry in Nick Magazine as there is a note at the bottom corner where you can mail your disgusting food combinations and recipes to for a chance to have them featured. I'd like to think off camera, Ann Hodgman goes full on LA Beast and spews in a bucket after repeatedly stating she needs to go to the hospital.

CONCLUSION

Judging by this issue alone, Nickelodeon Magazine is legitimately everything I've ever hoped it'd be and more. My inner child can now rest a little easier knowing what great contents reside in these few beautiful pages. Thanks for reading!

Highlights from the Summer 1993 Issue of Nickelodeon Magazine